You Need Eye Condoms Just To Read About THIS Shit!

Pamela Anderson applied for a wedding license to marry Robert Saloman - ewwww!

So, she's 40 and looks like she's 50. Her washed-out rocker ex-husbands got in a phony fist fight at the 2007 VMAs, a cultural insult too vulgar to be called the graveyard for rock 'n' roll --which is invisible, but certainly not dead -- thanks to Fall Out Boy. No, seriously, thank you Fall Out Boy, for single-handedly saving rock and roll. It must be all of 5 foot 5 inches of your
hotness and, yes Mr. Wentz, that ineffable rock 'n' roller edge. When you smashed your guitar at the VMAs, it really meant something. It was palpable to all viewers, ink pen thinks, who must have thought to themselves, "yeah, this is the new direction of rock 'n' roll and when Wentz smashes that guitar in his little hotel suite, it's like the moment when you smash a bottle of wine of the bow of a sailboat before its maiden voyage - or was it more like the MTV VMA's when Guns 'N' F-ing Roses won band of the year and then Nirvana came along and took it all away?


Back to my original point: Please Retire THIS Celebrity from famehood.

I know she's sweet and means well and is a friend of the gays and everything, but seriously: despite being middle-aged and courting attention through her horrid exes, she recently married the man who made the sex tape 1 Night in Paris with Paris Hilton.

Let's face it, all celebrities are not the same. Can we please, please stop acting like she's interesting? Or still pretty? No, we can't all age as well as Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry, but, yes, we can all grow the fuckz up.

WILL SHE PLEASE RETIRE MAKING BAD SPOTLIGHT-SEEKING LIFE DECISIONS???

Has Conor lost his looks?

Hey dillweeds, I mean readers. Mr. Bright Eyes Conor Oberst, and M. Ward and the LA Phil weren't too bad tonight. Yo La Tengo was kind of boring becuase no one was hot adn no one was rocking my socks --- was wishing I was watching other over-the-hill indie rockers like Built to Spill or Guided By Voices, but I went and took a long pee in the majestic hillside bathrooms, and when I came back, Bright Eyes was on. Well, not really, but dramatic effect. Were there girls screaming I love you Conor in the
audience tonight? What do you think? Yes, there were a few. Conor, was pretty decent cool as ush, but it's sad to say that he's not as cute as he used to be...he's kind of outgrown his face in the same way Jake Gyllenhal, the heterosexual, has. Has Conor lost his looks or is he just in an awkward in-between phase?

Before, Conor "don't worry, you're not a pedophile for thinking I'm cute" Oberst:



OR






After, Conor "please don't break in to my car or seduce my virgin kid sister" Oberst:

Hot Bitch Has the Patience of A Saint

David "you could be a role model" Letterman really rubbed it - Paris' stint in jail - in and all over during this interview Friday night with Paris Hilton. What is with these geezers (Larry King) grilling the hell out of her? She's a celebutante, which means, given the long history of silent and secretive heiresses, it's pretty cool that we get to continuously see this high-profile woman in action. It's def annoying when celebs demand that interviews should only be to promote movies, product and albums, but no one should be expected to submit themselves to public humiliation in interviews the way that people have expected Paris and Lindsay to.

After Larry King asked her what her favorite bible passage was and tried to make her reveal whether or not she would ever drink again (what? she's not out of control like Lohan) and invaded her privacy by asking her what prescriptions she was on, she told paps that, "Larry King is amazing." After watching King turn what could have been an interesting interview into a boring, awkward one-hour doozy, we know she couldn't have meant it.

Look at Paris' hair these days. Looks Ahh-mazing!
Doubt she'll be back on Letterman any time soon. And seriously, why should she? She shouldn't. No self respecting person would.

10 Movies Not To Watch Ever

YOU DON'T GOTTA WATCH...

I've always thought that my strong impulse to not watch Boys Don't Cry was a sign of weakness, a sign of things to overcome. Some movies deal with issues so serious that it seems like the decision whether or not to watch them is a reflection on your moral fiber. Can you look at the dramatization of this serious issue (gang rape, homophobic murder, holocaust, female oppression, racist murder, suicide, hideous serial killer depressed in skating rink set to Journey song) dead in the eye? Or, are you a soma-eating weakling who can't deal with the really real in reality?

A recent conversation with my bestie -- who I can honestly say is the person who gets more living done in 24 hours than anyone else I've ever known -- made me reconsider my moralizing stance on "important" movies that are traumatizing to watch.

She started off by saying, "I made the mistake of seeing Born on the Fourth of July. Why am I watching this parapalegic? " She added, "Capturing the Friedmans is another classic. These are movies not to watch on a Friday night, movies not to watch on a date night, movies not to watch ever."

10 Movies Not To Watch Ever:

1) Boys Don't "Should I Be Watching This?" Cry
2) Shindler's "I'm going to shoot myself in the face" List
3) The "I wish I'd never been born" Accused
4) North "I Hate Men" Country
5) Mississippi "I would never want to watch" Burning
6) Monster - there are too many reasons to not watch this move
7) Monster's "Never saw it. Of course. Why would I?" Ball
8) Leaving "Why would I watch that fucking shit?" Las Vegas
9) Saving "Please Sign Me Up" Private Ryan
10)United "I will never see the Eifel Tower" 93

"Who would buy these movies?" she asked, then added, "Those movies should only be played for 24 hours and then never again."

Other contenders for movies to not watch: Happiness, Sweet Hereafter.

I'm coming out of the closet. But first, one question: Is It Still Wrong to Love Bright Eyes?

From the moment that I discovered Fevers and Mirrors in the stacks of my basement college radio station in 2000, and put on "Something Vague", I was hooked on Bright Eyes. At that time, the songs that Conor Oberst penned were deeply personal and resonated with feelings that I had from childhood and adolescence. But, as BE became more popular in the years that followed, it became difficult not to become a closet fan as people judged the band by Conor's trembling voice, eye-covering bangs, and waif-like aspect that brought sneers and terms like "Carrabba" into the conversation.

Well, let's just get one thing straight, which is that this (Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional - wah!):


is not the same thing as this (Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes - yay!):


Frankly, I get the feeling that one of these boys like air conditioning way more than the other. The difference might seem negligible to music heads who don't listen to lyrics or to those who never have and, by prejudice, never will give Bright Eyes a listen, which is a personal preference to be sure. But, is anyone a little jealous that Oberst exploded onto the music scene when most of us, at his age, were only contemplating dropping out of college to live an original life?

But that brings me back to how excited I am to go see Bright Eyes, Yo La Tengo and M. Ward at the awesome Hollywood Bowl tonight. I'm going to drink two bottles of wine and eat a lot of salami and cheese while watching the sun set into the smog on the hills. Sweet!

If I were in Florida tonight, I would definitely go to Kala's wine bar for happy hour and then go to see Freakin' Hott at Poor House and drink Captain and Diets until 3 a.m. Then, I'd go over to Creolina's and get some sausage with peppers. Mmmm.

Who's the dumbest girl on The Hills?

Hint: She's not a blond.

Can you imagine if from the time that you were 17, everyone indulged every whim you had, gave you thousands of dollars worth of free clothes and make-up, granted you access and VIP service at every hotel, restaurant and nightclub, AND indulged and recorded all of the ideas that you had about yourself for the world to see? Not only would you overestimate your importance in the universe, like Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag do, but you'd also be boring as hell and have nothing interesting to say: That's Lauren Conrad and Heidi "That's About It" Montag.

But, Audrina is just a pair of blank, dull brown eyes and a hairdo. People are defaulting from the Hills feud to say that they like Audrina Partridge. Huh? How can you like Audrina Partridge, or have any opinion about her at all? The girl is dumb. I've spoken to he and stared into her blank face a few times before. It's creepy.

Audrina Partridge gives the feeling that if she didn't have an entourage to corral her, she would forget that she's a celebrity and wander out into the street, hold any hand that was offered to her, get in any car, or walk off the edge of any cliff.

1st of "10 Actually Hot Hotties"

MICHAEL C. HALL

Age:36
Height: 5'10
Hotness factors: Penetrating eyes, weirdish deep voice, played Billy Flynn on Broadway, edumacated to the post-graduate level, talented and interesting to the point that it's frightening. Can my boyfriend please be him for Halloween? Thanks.
Good news: Rumored to be going through a divorce, so potentially single.
Potentially attainable to mortal females because: He hasn't won an Emmy, Golden Globe or SAG Award......yet.
What's Amazing is: The way his eyebrows go around his eyes like that.

September 30th will be the second season premiere of Showtime's Dexter, so to celebrate I'm naming Michael C. Hall the first of my list of "10 Actually Hot Hotties" . Maybe there's something wrong with me for having a massive celebrity crush on a guy who has played a gay guy (David Fisher in Six Feet Under) and a serial killer (Dexter Morgan in Dexter). But, there's just something about Mr. Hall's everything that screams, "I'm the blond hottie for chicks who've been over Matt Damon since the turn of the century."

Also, isn't it creepy and hot the way that he smiles at his own thoughts as he describes watching Tender Mercies? Oh, yeah and he was watching Tender Mercies in junior high???



What a creepy hot piece of A!

Next Thursday, we'll ogle over another "Actually Hot Hottie".