Back in the SoFla - So so so far

Photo By: Troy M.

I'm home in Fort Lauderdale for Christmas. It's been a-ok so far. Went out to the wine bar with my mom and her boyfriend last night. Ooooh, Humphrey Bogart is up on
the TV screen at Brew Urban loft cafe. Yummy. Why was Bogie so hot? He was 5'8" and weird looking, but SO hot. Strange. Anyway, last night at the wine bar - Kala's wine bar - in that shopping center on A1A and Oakland I got wasted on some glasses of red and got chatty with the fun crowd there. A nice, loud woman named Erica told my mom how sexy she was and grilled me about my qualifications for writing her life story, which got increasingly amusing as the wine compromised my ability to put 2 and 2 together. Then, we went to my mom's boyfriend's place, where we drank more wine and I proceeded to tell him "how I really feel", which is my new way of saying, "TMI". When you talk someone's head off against your better judgment and his and her will, it's called "telling them how you really feel."

Working today -- doing stuff for my new job at Mahalo, the human powered search engine. I'm having a really good time writing How Tos for that company -- I think this website will be a smash -- actually useful search engine results. Novel. Mahalo also has a social network for contributing your own best ideas for links and search results. You can create a Mahalo profile up by clicking on Create Account on the upper right hand corner of that page. Here's my page, if you want to check it out: http://www.mahalo.com/member/Courtney


Hecks to the yeahs, people. Sweet Bronco will be back on SoFla landscape in a matter of hours. Very exciting. We might try to book him at a local venue over the next few days. We'll see. Working on it. Working it out. I'm streaming consciousness right now and it feels good -- really, really good -- but I think I'm going to stop anyway so that I'm not sending too much uncensored me-ness (thanks Dupree) out into the universe.

Audrina gets shunted from Hyde

Too funny! Ink Pen has devoted a bit of this blog space to making fun of Audrina Partridge in the past. She's the Hills girl who wasn't on Laguna Beach but, lucky for her, she "randomly" met LC and Heidi Montag by the pool at the corporate apartment complex they stayed at when they first moved up to LA from Laguna. After they "met" on lounge chairs, Audrina became an integral part of the drama fest. Her vacant stare is avoided by real celebrities at many a hip Hollywood party, but not on a recent night at Hyde. Yes, Audrina got some Tara Reid, D-list rejected from Hyde action the other night. Yes, it's very funny, and when Audrina's the butt of the joke, you don't have to feel bad for laughing.

Audrina gets shunted from Hyde

Why Boring People?

Are boring people boring because they lack internal resources? Or is it willfulness? I've always been puzzled. Any thoughts?

The Tool Shed Is Missing Its

Dane Cook demonstrates the universal "tool" symbol:



What does that even mean, people?
The roomie BIFF says that she heard that he worked really hard when he came to Hollywood, working the midnight shift and alls that shizz -- yes I'm being sarcastic thought it doesn't read and might not appear funny.

Pee Shy?

If you're pee shy because you can't pee because people might think that you're pooping, you should try utilizing the Insite advertising for more than it's intended purpose (using your most vulnerable moment to make you feel like you should buy things you don't need or want). Read aloud the message on the advertIZment to yourself, but only read the vowels in the soft vowel sound. Ex: elephant would read: "eh" "eh" "ah". You will pee with no worries ever.

Don't Hurt Yourself

PEREZ HILTON WANTED FOR MURDER!!!
..ING MY BRAIN CELLS.

TRUE: Inane gossip speculation kills brain cells

What Nicole Richie and Audrina Partridge could possibly be talking about over lunch causes Perez to speculate? Really? If they talked about Brody Jenner, would even that be interesting? Not really. Does any one else get the feeling that he's trying to be interested in these two? No one could really care about what Nicole Richie and Audrina Partridge say, think or do.

What did you say?





I don't know.





I don't know?





What?






I am with child.







Ew.









Are you going to eat those fries?








Ew.









I know. I can't help it. I'm so hungry I could eat Brody Jenner's cock.







Yummy.

Happy Halloween from Ink Pen Shmee

GUESS WHAT WE ARE? CLUE: WE'RE NOT HERE TO SCARE YOU. WE'RE JUST HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE BAD TASTE IN MUSIC.

WE'RE INDIE ROCK CARD CATALOGUES!!!! AKA: TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL.

Ink Pen has been saving up the rock for you and only you and you and you.

AND YOU

Panda Bear - I seek the relaxation

Panda Bear. Relax me with your trippy band pic.



Relax me. Relax me with your briny origins, skater boy.

Darjeeling Limited - Owen and Wes talk India

Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson discuss The Darjeeling Limited. Maybe this gives us insight in to why the movie sucks, or perhaps only seems to. Insight into Wilson's summer incident? Isn't it weird that Owen Wilson, writer and quirky actor, is in the tabloids at all. Certainly he's not a hot guy, but still...he's too cool to have been dating Kate Hudson.

Artist on Artist: Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson

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The Darjeeling Limited - Did Wes Anderson Fall Flat on His Ass or...

Is The Darjeeling Limited too esoteric for me? Yes, everything Anderson does is about as cutesy as life can get for upper middle class people with delicate hobbies, meaningful heirlooms and an assload of time to sit around and look bored. But this one...I don't know if it holds up to the likes of Rushmore and Life Aquatic. Anyone see The Darjeeling Limited? What did you think? When did their life changing experience happen? I was waiting so eagerly...



...and then boom, the credits started to roll.

Jason Bateman - Round 2

Get ready to pass out from hotness....NOW:



Now, breathe deeply. It's going to be okay.

4th "Actually Hot Hottie" Jason Bateman

JASON BATEMAN
Age: 38
Height: 6'
Warning! You might want to avert your eyes and attention right now because Jason Bateman is TOO much fun to crush on.
Trademark: He keeps getting hotter and hotter with age.
Downside: He married Paul Anka's daughter in 2003, which means they probably won't be sick enough of each other to divorce for a few years.
Upside: He'll be really really rich when they do divorce
Bateman's been breaking hearts longer than anyone else in Hollywood. Consider the following photo essay:

Bateman's been breaking hearts from



To


Do you get the picture?

Jesse James - Crazy People Do Crazy Things

If you think that this woman's favorite thing to do is to watch The Price Is Right and order Christian trinkets from the Home Shopping Network, you might not be wrong. But, she has other hobbies too. You must read this story from LA Weekly. According to the recent article "The Life and Death of Jesse James" in the LA Weekly...just read it and learn some pretty interesting things about THIS lady.


http://www.laweekly.com/news/news/the-life-and-death-of-jesse-james/17427/?page=1

Why I Love Kathy Griffin. Hilarious

There are 100,000 reasons to love Kathy Griffin, but the reason why I do is that she says things like there are a billion reasons she had sex with her billionaire boyfriend, Steve Wozniak.




Thanks to things like credit and the 20-year-old backlash to feminism, no one is honest about the relationship between sex and money these days, and that relationship is completely distorted, to the detriment of society, both men and women. But, Kathy Griffin doesn't give a F*CK about pretending like she doesn't want what everyone wants -- the Benjamins.

Source: View Images

Quotes from Kathy Griffin's interviews with Larry King:
"You know what's great, Larry. He has so much more money than you. Yes, I did (have sex wtih Steve Wozniak at the end of the Emmy night), and I had a billion reasons. What do you make, Lar? A million dollars a year? You know, he craps that out for lunch."

Larry King: "How did you meet him?"

Griffin: "Who cares? He's got a billion dollars. It was great bringing him as my date because it was great seeing all of the Hollywood phonies not know who he was at all, and knowing that he could buy and sell them all. He did this little thing called inventing the computer. I boy-girl like him."

Enjoy the whole clip, or jump to 2:30 to watch her talk about her BF.


"Bill O'Reilly called me a 'pinhead.' That's a badge of honor."

"I bought my own billboard for Life on the D List. I bought my own billboard, Larry."

Pure Fun, Kathy Griffin is a Do-Gooder

Kathy Griffin in her element.

Kathy Griffin is always fun to watch, but this is just too much. We can't take it.

The story of SisterBro, the Abbey, East West, and the tranny who could only be fabulous

Whew, what a whirlwind of a weekend Ink Pen had! From the hills of Topanga Canyon to the top of Runyon, with a little west side action along the way. Sisterbro, the wind beneath ink pen's hoe, was in town last weekend and we tore up WeHO on Saturday night. And by "tear up" Ink Pen means sipped stiff cocktails and circled like sharks -- round tables with (this is Sisterbro's direct quote) "tired queens" sipping water and (again) "lezbuddacas" sipping cocktails -- for an hour-and-a-half to eat dinner at one of the first-come, first-serve tables. Ink Pen ate the short ribs, Sisterbro the cob salad. Both were, as Sisterbro might put it, "immensely enjoyable", esp. after the stiff cocktails poured at The Abbey. We think that our waiter at The Abbey was pretending to be gay because when we asked him to direct us to the next hot spot, he did not know the names of any establishments. Ink Pen inquired, and he said, "Yes, I'm gay, but I don't go out." Hmmm. Never heard of that before.

Then Ink Pen and Sister Bro headed over to a crowded bar called Eleven, where we caught the tail end of none other than Dirty Sexy Money's won tranny star, Candice Cayne performance. Miss Cayne worked Mommie Dearest lines as she strutted up and down the stairs, taking money from the boys and making sure that upturned fans blew her long blond hair at the right angle.

As you can see in the clip, Miss Cayne's performances would not be complete if she did not subject herself to the crosswalk's blinking red light, warning of an imminent hit and run. It's all about the crash.


Warning: Be careful, Miss Cayne, Weho's starlets will run you down!

Pleasant Follow - Jon Stewart skewers Tucker Carlson

If that last clip annoyed the hell out of you, watch this classic. Jon Stewart calls Carlson a 'partisan hack'. It's also fun when Carlson compares his so-called news show to The Daily Show .



How does this anyone watch this greasy person? He sweats disingenuousness.

Tucker Carlson is a tool, Paul Krugman a jewel

If you think that you might really enjoy a Joy Behar-Paul Krugman sandwich and that nothing could ruin that for you, imagine if the meat was the Tucker Carlson.

Last night on Real Time with Bill Maher, no one could string two sensible words together without Tucker Carlson's oral flatulence. He shut the show down and crowded out New York Times columnist Paul Krugman's voice, it's so destructive. Krugman has been writing sanity about the Bush administration and Iraq war for years, long before the official editorial tone of the publication that he writes for, the New Republic (with its subsequent apology) and most major news organizations got off the flag-waving bandwagon. It's annoying enough when a guest runs Bill Maher's show around in illogical circles for an hour, but Tucker Carlson actually misinterprets facts and what everyone says to the point that you can't make sense of the conversation. What a tool!



PS. Nice tie, assclown.

South Florida's Brendan O' Hara plays LA

South Florida's own Brendan O'Hara put on a freaking entertaining set at Genghis Cohen in Los Angeles on Thursday night.

It's pretty amazing what one man can do with a piano, a guitar and a mouth that functions as both beat box and horn. Ink Pen has seen Brendan perform with his very entertaining group Brendan O' Hara and the Humbles Ones once or twice in South Florida, but thinks it's pretty amazing the way that this guy gets around the country. He maintains a rigorous touring schedule, the details of which he's going to share with Ink Pen soon.

He also has an amazing voice and, we needn't mention but will, is very, very easy on the eyes. We want to see more of him in LA and we want to see more South Florida bands in LA.

Check out video for Doe:


Back in the day in S.Fla, Ink Pen was too cynical to fully appreciate the magnitude of Brendon's funky styling. Now, we simply love it. For pure refreshment, check out Brendan O' Hara.

Thanks for coming to LA, Brendan. Loves it.

3rd "Actually Hot Hottie" Win Butler

Win Butler
Age: 27
Height: 6'4"
Lead Singer, Arcade Fire


Hotter than your hottest rock star fantasy, Win "can I lick the sweaty bangs off your face" Butler is a dedicated husband AND band member. Unlike your post-60s rock star fantasies, Arcade Fire's lead man, Win Butler, offers an immense amount of substance. His way with words and song and his rock star antics - descending from the stage to hug the Coachella crowd - just have a way more refreshing, human ring than anything we've seen in a long while.

Win has a HOT idea! Let's play in the elevator.



Forgive Ink Pen if you saw this one coming, but seriously people...is there any other man who's speaking to his generation quite like this hottie? I think not. Surely, he's channeling something divine.


Yes, a hottie should have dark circles under his eyes.

LILO - It hurts hurts something awful not to love her.

But, Ink Pen won't do it. No, she won't, won't do it. No! Can't not. Will not.

Brangelina Triggers My Survival Instinct

Gratuitous pic for fascination:


Brangelina. A phenomenon. Are they hotter than Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh? Are they hotter than Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton? Hmmmm.

Do you ever get the feeling when you look at pictures of the Brange that you need to turn away from the glitz and bullshitz of the king and queen of tabloid media who can't even find it in their hearts and minds to accept it? We all saw Angelina's treatment of Ryan Seacrest at the Golden Globes last year, did we not? They are so fine and so busy and so over it and themselves that it makes you wonder...am I just wasting my time emulating all of these swag-obsessed Hollywood dweebs?

Chances are, we'll never have Jolie's cheekbones and, most of us, will never make out with our siblings at awards shows, but each of us has a calling...and, frankly, what would Brangelina do?

SOFLA, go see: Rodrigo Y Gabriela 10-11-07

If you like personality and sheer playing talent, check out Rodrigo Y Gabriela at Studio A in Miami tomorrow night. They're a Mexi-Irish, metal-loving dynamic force to not be reckoned with, but absorbed and enjoyed. Ink Pen saw them a few months ago, and they're so much fun that you will throw devil signs to acoustic guitars despite your inner cool.

www.rodgab.com

Studio A
60 N.E. 11th St.
Miami, FL
305-358-7625

Get Excited People! Tomorrow Debuts Our 3rd "Actually Hot Hottie"

That's right. Tomorrow is Hottie Thursday, and this man is going to leave burn marks in your eyes and mind, he's that hot innie and outtie. How, you wonder, could anyone be hotter than those we've seen and who, who, could this hot man be?

Who could be as hot as:

Week 1:


1st Actually Hot Hottie Michael C. Hall
Actor: Dexter, Six Feet Under and various broadway productions.



Week 2:

2nd Actually Hot Hottie Zach Galifianakis
Comedian: Comedians of Comedy, Stand Up
www.zachgalifianakis.com

What slice of masculinity could taste sweeter than this sarcastic piece of A?
Find out tomorrow cause it's Hottie Thursday.

Should we forgive Lindsay Lohan her trespasses?

Ink Pen says that it's been nicer for the reading and watching audience to have Lindsay out of the public spotlight for the last few months. Frankly, the gossip scene seemed to get along just find without her. I don't even think cocaine misses her.



Lohan WAS Ink Pen's favorite. Ink Pen, to put it simply, bled through the page for Lohan's scratchy voice, easy red carpet poses and irrepressible energy. But, if half of what those kids told TMZ about her drunk driving is true, and it probably is, Lohan's actions and contempt for ordinary people is unforgivable. It's one thing to not give a shit about people, it's another thing to drive 85 or 90 miles an hour, blowing through red lights, on PCH and Santa Monica or Wilshire Blvd.

Lohan only got treatment because she knew she screwed up in a big way and wanted to minimize any jail time for herself. Can we love Lindsay after what she's done? Can we move on with firecrotch in our hearts and on our TV screens? Ink Pen isn's so sure. Ink Pen just doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Twins - Billy Joel and Salman Rushdie

Two old men grew to look like each other, but Billy and Salman have more in common than baldness and grizzled stubble. Do you know what it is?

Britney Be Not Far From Me

Ink Pen thinks that Britney is very funny. Ink Pen always wants to have Britney's VMA performance one click away. It's so watchable, and, in Ink Pen's opinion, a tribute to subtlety. Who wants pop stars all up in their faces? Brit's bod looks real and good. For a rocker chick, she'd be tight, all right!

Britney Spears - Gimme More (Live at the VMAs)

Posted Sep 10, 2007

Why can't she rock out sometime soon?

CNN Hero Aaron Jackson. South Florida man who saves lives in Haiti.

Go to CNN Heroes and vote for Aaron Jackson to win $25,000, which he will use to deworm children and build orphanages in Haiti. He can deworm one child for $20, which is the difference between life and death. He's a committed guy and has been doing this for many years.

To learn more about Aaron Jackson, click the link:

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/cnn.heroes/

CLICK HERE to vote for Aaron. He's the fourth one down on the list of CNN Heroes.

Is Seth Rogen getting a little ahead of himself?

I once heard John Mayer give signature-seeking fans a hard time about the value of his autograph on EBAY. Fair enough. But when the curly haired, chubby comedian who played the unnattractive guy who knocked up Katherine Heigl in the movie "Knocked Up" starts talking the value of his Hancock on EBAY, Ink Pen says, spare me. He's been famous for like 6 months. He was like an extra in 40-Year-Old Virgin. You're getting ahead of yourself, Seth Rogen.

SETH ROGEN GETS AHEAD OF HIMSELF.

Speaking of all things not being right, SNL, which Rogen hosted last Saturday night, reached a whole new low this week. They even had a Macgyver-mocking skit, which was hard to relate to because I haven't seen the show in 10 years and doubt that anyone under the age of 25 ever has. Who the hell are they writing for?

OMG! Arcade Fire Unleashes Sweet Internet Video!

Ink Pen thinks Arcade Fire is always a good way to start the week...or end it. Arcade Fire and its super hottie Win Butler (he's like Christopher Walken in Sarah Plain And Tall, so Americana.) have topped themselves with an innovative internet video. Follow this link and, like the URL says, click around aggressively for a minute: NEON BIBLE.

Larry O. , I'm yo ho. I always would be. F Vivien Leigh and Katherine McPhee

and all those broads who ain't me --- YES, this is a Friday night post. No. that doesn't give you insight into my true character and, no, I'm not asking for you, reader, to care about me personally or...professsionaly, or to just have some curiousity about what I am curious about. Nah. Hope your Friday was nice

Oh, Larry, You never wanted to play that way, you never wanted to hurt Ink Pen. Why are you running away?

Is Larry O all that he's cracked up to be, or was he outdated and unable to emote in any way that didn't feel too British, too entitled, too much the lazy product of empire-related contempt? Is he the great great, or have we evolved beyond him.

Random Shit...Thoughts on Cameron Crowe who you 'd like to like

more than you can, but want to hate when you can't...singles.



The problem is that he's trying to date women but he can't, but he sucks .I have trouble acting or being excited or being exciting. I hope you're not writing that down. I would have to have the life of anyone in his movies. All of his characters seem somehwat biographical, but I never want to be anyone of them. It seems like, yeah I get that, but it seems like you're really shallow and you were raised among shallow people and I get that, but it's seems like you're shallower than me and that you (he, Cameron Crowe) were raised by people who were shallower than me. Kirsten Dunst _SOOO ANNOYING IN ELIZABETOWN. He's saying one of my former best friends reminds him of Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtowm--donna wanna hear it.
it's the question of bad actors getting wrapped up in a bad writer and and bad director's mvoie. For a straight guy to want to be an actor....I don't think I've ever met a straight guy who wanted to be an actor. Acting should be a macho guy thing, but straight guys didnt' want to do that shit. Even in college, no straight guys wanted to be in theater. Even the music school was gay. Susan Sarandon is questionable for doing this movie. When I was 16 I went over to Ryan's house to watch this movie that was supposed to be awesome..it was called the Ice Cream Man. It was terrible and it was the worst movie I'd ever seen. it was a cult classic because it was so bad. I'm finding that quality int his movie (Elizabethtown) I just love it. I love how bad it is. What is his( Crowe's ) thing with airline stewardesses???? Zooey Deschanel was an airline stewardess in
Maybe he just has a thing for stewardesses? maybe he has a stewardess romance.
Maybe he's a submissive. Maybe he likes to be dominated.
They're all relationship movies and they all have the same problem. None of the characters in his movie know how to have a good time or do anything. He can't convincingly write an adventurous person. Lloyd Dobler is one of the coolest characters he's ever written, but he's no that cool. Spiccoli's really funny, bu the's cool and it's sean penn. Jerry Maguire can't emote and he's not enthused, but of course the actor he picks is Tom Cruise who can't act excited about things. The thing about Tom Crusie is he has his drunk thing, he has his excited thing and he has his angry thing and he basically does those in moves. Born on the 4th of July was a good performance, but it was basically all him bing angry.

Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me, Not(hot)tie

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!! IT'S ZACH BARF.

Zach Braff, you tricked us and you tricked the whole world into thinking that you were kinda hot when you wrote and played that pitiable character in Garden State. Another female has an opinion on this one. She says, "Zach Braff sucks these days, which is really annoying because it ruins Garden State and makes you hate him even more for the disgusting, possum-like person that he really is." Oh look, it's the trailer for Garden State: Everyone look at the cute, sweet depressed guy gagging on his adam's apple.



Garden State was so cute that it so made us want to like you. We even lent you hot cred, but you've more than cashed it in on that. Zach Braff is the kind of guy you go on a pity date with and then he turns out to be an asshole. Then, you go another date to figure out why you went on the first one, and you end up sleeping with him. Then, you have to keep going out with him to figure it all out, but there's really nothing to it except for that you thought he was hot, but should have known that he was not.

Zach's adam's apple makes ink pen want to puke and his porsche would only be hot if he wasn't sitting in the driver's seat. He's not hot enough to romance a woman or to pull off a philanderer, like the one he played in that awful film Last Kiss. No one wants to see your monstrous face next to Natalie Portman or Rachel Bilson or models. Youz iz fugz, Zach. face it. CLICK HERE to the world's biggest adam's apple drive off in a porsche with a hot girl. She only likes you for your money, Zach. We should send this clip to THIS SITE FOR SURE.

MORE ZACH, the good kind

Have you had enough Zach? Ink Pen hasn't. The more that Ink Pen talks about him, the more Ink Pen loves him and his creative choices. Is that how crushes start? Check the footage below. Zach divas out, and he looks lush. Yum:

You Bring Me Joy

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2nd Actually Hot Hottie - Zach Galifianakis

2nd of 10 "Actually Hot Hotties"


"Aggghhh, I LOVE YOU, ZACH"

Zach Galifianakis, from Comedians of Comedy tour
Age: 38
Height: 5'8" (Kinda short, but his personality makes up for it)
Hotness Factors: The wittiest man alive, just all around well-crafted masculinity, all spontaneity all the time, reawakens suppressed Paul Bunyan sex fantasies, intensity, can't tell when he's serious and when he's joking.
Good news: He works the beard. It's hot. He's not insanely famous yet, so you could probably catch him for a round of beers some time. From all appearances, he's really real, so somewhat attainable to regular girls. He's going to be at Detour this weekend with Comedians of Comedy.
Bad news: A lot of other girls are in love with Mr. Zach. His Myspace comments are pretty much all marriage proposals. If you did land him, no one would be able to spell your name either.
Tips: Loving Zach Galifianakis is like loving Guiness - you gotta take it slow and pay attention to every ounce of flavor.
What's amazing is: The way he works the silence. Shhhh. Let Zach do his thing.




OMG! Ink Pen can't believe that she can finally speak openly - and, yes, join the chorus - about her love for the rock star comedian, his bearded majesty Zach Galifianakis.

DISH - Cute Boys to Check Out and Listen To

One fond night at Bamboo Room in Lake Worth, ink pen was very excited to catch up with the two cute boys from Dish -- think they opened for Langhorne Slim that night. These brothers, yes stewed in the same amniotic, create a full sound AND have weird tubes all over the stage.

Anyway, check DISH out. They're South Florida all the way, but they're a little off the beaten path...like all talent that happens to reside in hot guys. They probably won't give you the T.O.D., but, if I recall correctly, they'll humor you with a bit of grace. ;)

Ink Pen to reveal identity of 2nd "Actually Hot Hottie" on Thursday

<<<-----Who is THAT "Actually Hot Hottie"?

If you don't know, you should. On Thursday, you will. Let me wax poetic over his actualness and his hotness: Who is this mystery man who's hotness spans last week's hottie's, Michael C. Hall, hotness ounce for ounce? From the depths of Hall's voice to the (metaphorically) laurel-adorned heights of his curiously curling brows, this man is 100% his match. Who is he? You plead with me to reveal him, but you must wait two days. Not long, I am not entirely without pity. That is why, I am delighted to inform you that I am a benevolent dictator of hotness. Yes, much like the magazine Esquire , with its annual knuckle-whitening, bathroom-floor sticking Sexiest Woman Alive series, which torments men for months on end as they wait with "sumpin sumpin" month by month as piece by piecet, the pictures come together to reveal the likes of ....huh?....Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson? OKes, whatsev.

Well, good thing that women and gay men aren't as stupid in the libidos as the heterosexually persuaded menz, because I GUARANTEE YOU THAT if you wait a whole two days, you will not regret holding out to behold "Actually Hot Hottie" #2. Shit, at the end of it all, you might even feel like you held out for a hero!

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
In the interest of setting the record straight regarding who's hot and who's not, Thursday will also be the day that I reveal the name of the "Shame on Me Nottie", a man who has tricked the public into thinking him hot or cool one too many times. Hint: His adam's apple makes ink pen want to barf.

Britney loses her kids, yeah right. I call your bucking fluff.

Britney loses her kids. She'll get them back. She's not like you and me. She's worth tens of millions of dollars. Boo Hoo. Don't you feel really really bad for her? Did anyone seriously have big expectations for Brit's comeback, or give it much thought at all?


<____Agghhh!!! Watch out! The day Brit went off on photogs.
www.x17online.com. This was Ink Pen's most hopeful moment for Brit. Too bad she didn't front a song for the Teddybears and punk out. Ink Pen really thought that Brit might get some shit Lavigne-influenced rock band together and rage, or better yet, just rock for real. Not only would that have been redemption for all of last years disgraces, but it would have been interesting!!!

But, since we're on the topic, let's ponder for a momo, will Brit make her big comeback? Well, if she can get two guys like Timbaland or Scott Storch to make a bunch of beats for her and then get some ex-Destiny's Child member to write a couple of poems about telling of a guy who's been cheating on her. If she can work out for 2 hours a day and get 10 hours of sleep a night, then sure, she can make a comeback. Why not? The Spice Girls are selling out, and will spread suck all over Britain's and America's auditorium. Why can't Brit do the same? She can. She will. It's no mystery. But remember, she never has to work a day in her life or worry about anything. It would be better - it's actually equally inane - if she let another pop tart have her chance. Disney and Nick have a whole new crop of shitlicking dweebs who we can grow to idolize in the coming years, you know, when they find the right publicist. GO JT!

You Need Eye Condoms Just To Read About THIS Shit!

Pamela Anderson applied for a wedding license to marry Robert Saloman - ewwww!

So, she's 40 and looks like she's 50. Her washed-out rocker ex-husbands got in a phony fist fight at the 2007 VMAs, a cultural insult too vulgar to be called the graveyard for rock 'n' roll --which is invisible, but certainly not dead -- thanks to Fall Out Boy. No, seriously, thank you Fall Out Boy, for single-handedly saving rock and roll. It must be all of 5 foot 5 inches of your
hotness and, yes Mr. Wentz, that ineffable rock 'n' roller edge. When you smashed your guitar at the VMAs, it really meant something. It was palpable to all viewers, ink pen thinks, who must have thought to themselves, "yeah, this is the new direction of rock 'n' roll and when Wentz smashes that guitar in his little hotel suite, it's like the moment when you smash a bottle of wine of the bow of a sailboat before its maiden voyage - or was it more like the MTV VMA's when Guns 'N' F-ing Roses won band of the year and then Nirvana came along and took it all away?


Back to my original point: Please Retire THIS Celebrity from famehood.

I know she's sweet and means well and is a friend of the gays and everything, but seriously: despite being middle-aged and courting attention through her horrid exes, she recently married the man who made the sex tape 1 Night in Paris with Paris Hilton.

Let's face it, all celebrities are not the same. Can we please, please stop acting like she's interesting? Or still pretty? No, we can't all age as well as Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry, but, yes, we can all grow the fuckz up.

WILL SHE PLEASE RETIRE MAKING BAD SPOTLIGHT-SEEKING LIFE DECISIONS???

Has Conor lost his looks?

Hey dillweeds, I mean readers. Mr. Bright Eyes Conor Oberst, and M. Ward and the LA Phil weren't too bad tonight. Yo La Tengo was kind of boring becuase no one was hot adn no one was rocking my socks --- was wishing I was watching other over-the-hill indie rockers like Built to Spill or Guided By Voices, but I went and took a long pee in the majestic hillside bathrooms, and when I came back, Bright Eyes was on. Well, not really, but dramatic effect. Were there girls screaming I love you Conor in the
audience tonight? What do you think? Yes, there were a few. Conor, was pretty decent cool as ush, but it's sad to say that he's not as cute as he used to be...he's kind of outgrown his face in the same way Jake Gyllenhal, the heterosexual, has. Has Conor lost his looks or is he just in an awkward in-between phase?

Before, Conor "don't worry, you're not a pedophile for thinking I'm cute" Oberst:



OR






After, Conor "please don't break in to my car or seduce my virgin kid sister" Oberst:

Hot Bitch Has the Patience of A Saint

David "you could be a role model" Letterman really rubbed it - Paris' stint in jail - in and all over during this interview Friday night with Paris Hilton. What is with these geezers (Larry King) grilling the hell out of her? She's a celebutante, which means, given the long history of silent and secretive heiresses, it's pretty cool that we get to continuously see this high-profile woman in action. It's def annoying when celebs demand that interviews should only be to promote movies, product and albums, but no one should be expected to submit themselves to public humiliation in interviews the way that people have expected Paris and Lindsay to.

After Larry King asked her what her favorite bible passage was and tried to make her reveal whether or not she would ever drink again (what? she's not out of control like Lohan) and invaded her privacy by asking her what prescriptions she was on, she told paps that, "Larry King is amazing." After watching King turn what could have been an interesting interview into a boring, awkward one-hour doozy, we know she couldn't have meant it.

Look at Paris' hair these days. Looks Ahh-mazing!
Doubt she'll be back on Letterman any time soon. And seriously, why should she? She shouldn't. No self respecting person would.

10 Movies Not To Watch Ever

YOU DON'T GOTTA WATCH...

I've always thought that my strong impulse to not watch Boys Don't Cry was a sign of weakness, a sign of things to overcome. Some movies deal with issues so serious that it seems like the decision whether or not to watch them is a reflection on your moral fiber. Can you look at the dramatization of this serious issue (gang rape, homophobic murder, holocaust, female oppression, racist murder, suicide, hideous serial killer depressed in skating rink set to Journey song) dead in the eye? Or, are you a soma-eating weakling who can't deal with the really real in reality?

A recent conversation with my bestie -- who I can honestly say is the person who gets more living done in 24 hours than anyone else I've ever known -- made me reconsider my moralizing stance on "important" movies that are traumatizing to watch.

She started off by saying, "I made the mistake of seeing Born on the Fourth of July. Why am I watching this parapalegic? " She added, "Capturing the Friedmans is another classic. These are movies not to watch on a Friday night, movies not to watch on a date night, movies not to watch ever."

10 Movies Not To Watch Ever:

1) Boys Don't "Should I Be Watching This?" Cry
2) Shindler's "I'm going to shoot myself in the face" List
3) The "I wish I'd never been born" Accused
4) North "I Hate Men" Country
5) Mississippi "I would never want to watch" Burning
6) Monster - there are too many reasons to not watch this move
7) Monster's "Never saw it. Of course. Why would I?" Ball
8) Leaving "Why would I watch that fucking shit?" Las Vegas
9) Saving "Please Sign Me Up" Private Ryan
10)United "I will never see the Eifel Tower" 93

"Who would buy these movies?" she asked, then added, "Those movies should only be played for 24 hours and then never again."

Other contenders for movies to not watch: Happiness, Sweet Hereafter.

I'm coming out of the closet. But first, one question: Is It Still Wrong to Love Bright Eyes?

From the moment that I discovered Fevers and Mirrors in the stacks of my basement college radio station in 2000, and put on "Something Vague", I was hooked on Bright Eyes. At that time, the songs that Conor Oberst penned were deeply personal and resonated with feelings that I had from childhood and adolescence. But, as BE became more popular in the years that followed, it became difficult not to become a closet fan as people judged the band by Conor's trembling voice, eye-covering bangs, and waif-like aspect that brought sneers and terms like "Carrabba" into the conversation.

Well, let's just get one thing straight, which is that this (Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional - wah!):


is not the same thing as this (Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes - yay!):


Frankly, I get the feeling that one of these boys like air conditioning way more than the other. The difference might seem negligible to music heads who don't listen to lyrics or to those who never have and, by prejudice, never will give Bright Eyes a listen, which is a personal preference to be sure. But, is anyone a little jealous that Oberst exploded onto the music scene when most of us, at his age, were only contemplating dropping out of college to live an original life?

But that brings me back to how excited I am to go see Bright Eyes, Yo La Tengo and M. Ward at the awesome Hollywood Bowl tonight. I'm going to drink two bottles of wine and eat a lot of salami and cheese while watching the sun set into the smog on the hills. Sweet!

If I were in Florida tonight, I would definitely go to Kala's wine bar for happy hour and then go to see Freakin' Hott at Poor House and drink Captain and Diets until 3 a.m. Then, I'd go over to Creolina's and get some sausage with peppers. Mmmm.

Who's the dumbest girl on The Hills?

Hint: She's not a blond.

Can you imagine if from the time that you were 17, everyone indulged every whim you had, gave you thousands of dollars worth of free clothes and make-up, granted you access and VIP service at every hotel, restaurant and nightclub, AND indulged and recorded all of the ideas that you had about yourself for the world to see? Not only would you overestimate your importance in the universe, like Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag do, but you'd also be boring as hell and have nothing interesting to say: That's Lauren Conrad and Heidi "That's About It" Montag.

But, Audrina is just a pair of blank, dull brown eyes and a hairdo. People are defaulting from the Hills feud to say that they like Audrina Partridge. Huh? How can you like Audrina Partridge, or have any opinion about her at all? The girl is dumb. I've spoken to he and stared into her blank face a few times before. It's creepy.

Audrina Partridge gives the feeling that if she didn't have an entourage to corral her, she would forget that she's a celebrity and wander out into the street, hold any hand that was offered to her, get in any car, or walk off the edge of any cliff.